in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How does it feel to date your dad?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
