What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
