i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Girls should come with a carfax report
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
