I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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