i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
