Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
