After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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