Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
