he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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