she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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