I accidentally had phone sex last night
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
