I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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