I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
we're so committed to being not committed
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
