it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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