toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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