threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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