A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
