every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
