I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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