im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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