I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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