I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think a kid would responsible me up
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
