I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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