if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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