Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
