my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
