His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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