Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
