Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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