guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
