apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
