dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize