Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize