2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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