Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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