3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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