**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize