Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
