Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
