Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
