dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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