sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
They took my balls.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
