I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
