Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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