Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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