As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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