is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
