How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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