I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
