i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
