yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
