You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
