Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
This is my gift to your gina
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
