Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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