your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
