I wish my penis had an off switch
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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