My liver just broke up with me...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I need to align my fucking chakras
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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