I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize