I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
