dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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