I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
