The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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