Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize