in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize