i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
