she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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