M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
