I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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