We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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