Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
