I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She bit a glass in half.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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