Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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