When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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