today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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