And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
