I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
