in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My vagina is officially offended.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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