So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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