he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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